Me and Me

I have been struggling with my self,  It is not uncommon.  Yet during this struggle with myself, I usually beat down my desires to be something other than I am.

“What am I?”  I don’t know, or at least that would be a start.

“What do I do?”  I am a nurse.

“Do I like it?”  Sometimes.  Am I passionate about it, my answer is it pays the bills so no.

“What do I want to do?”  Be a full-time artist. 

“So Why am I not doing that?”  Because I am afraid of rejection. 

“Why would I be afraid of that?”  Because I have this pathetic need to be validated for my self-worth. 

“That is pathetic.” Yes I know. 

“So Why do I love to draw?” Because it shuts me down so I don’t have these alarming bothersome conversations with myself.  Because it provides me with an unbelievable amount of joy to create something and bring it to life knowing that I created something beautiful.  It also calms my mind and my soul to avert from my current world and find peace in another. 

“So what is stopping me?”  Fear. 

“Why?”  Because I am chicken shit.  Because I realize that due to my fear I have lost time to be great.  I don’t have support for my dream. 

“Excuses are like assholes….”  Yes, yes I know…this conversation I am having with my self is annoying.

 ” So stop talking to yourself and just do it.”  Your right, I mean um I am right,  I just need to do it and to build again.  I need to find my balance again, or at least so I can stop talking to myself……..  So I am going to do 30 mins at least every day, even if it is stick people to break my fear and gain confidence.  So hold me to it….

“I will……”

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitt Crescendo
    Aug 22, 2012 @ 17:40:32

    Just so you know, you are not alone in these kinds of conversations to yourself.

    Reply

  2. amadiex
    Aug 22, 2012 @ 23:24:30

    Well that is a relief, Feeling a less bit crazy…You know how that runs in the family!

    Reply

  3. Trackback: The Lovely Blogger Award « theinnerwildkat

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