Know Thy Self

With the holidays coming to a close, it usually brings a time of self-assessment.  Most people have the usual New Year’s resolutions that typically don’t make it to the end of January.  I am one of those people that pick the traditional pseudo resolutions but I know my heart is not in it.  Yeah I will give it a good try, but that is just it….it’s just a try not a change.  While everyone has their own way, I am finding that for me I want to make a fundamental change. 

In my quest to be more than just a somebody, I want to be the best me I can be.  That starts with knowing yourself.  Life is a journey in which defines who you are, it tells the story of where you have been and predicts where you will end up.  Unfortunately there are some twists and turns that happen but during that time you learn something that you didn’t know about yourself prior to that event.  For me I know that I don’t want to be that person that is constantly going with the crowd.  I want to stop and make my own way which then will define who I know I am in my heart.  This fundamental change will most likely be painful to experience, and such change usually is.  If it where pleasant then it wouldn’t be called a change now would it.  There would be nothing to gain.  So my change I want to go with is learning who I am.  To go against the grain, to challenge myself and brace the impossibilities that I have limited my thinking to be. 

It’s funny, that what I got for Christmas was a beautiful art set with a portable easel that was from my parents and husband.  Do you know that I have a nice easel that sits in the garage that has never been used because I was afraid to try?  Now that I have been pulled back to my sketches, knowing in my heart that this is what brings me joy, I need to make that fundamental change of not being afraid.  With my skills being basic at best, I know that I have potential that is clawing to get out showing me what I really can do with enough guidance and practice.  Self-limiting ideas and people have influenced my decisions in life.  I mean who knows you better than your family or friends.  Not true, and I know this, I have always known this.   You know that sinking feeling when you have made the wrong decisions or that you know you’re going in the wrong direction.  I get that a lot.  I have learned to ignore that inner voice of reason and I have paid the price.   It’s funny to me that when I look around me, sub consciously I have filled my bookshelves with instructional drawing books, famous artists that I admire, and an art desk with tons of mediums to work with empty journals.  I had this for many years.  You would think by looking at my rooms that this is what I do for a living.  I guess it’s time to pay attention and embrace what I have known all along.  Getting back to know the pages of possibilities and to explore a work without limitations.  That is my challenge this year.  Know thy self.

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In The Process…

So I am having the itch to post one of my works that I am still in the process of finishing.  I had to put it off due to school obligations and now that I am free for the next few months my focus has shifted back to what I love to do the most.  In this piece I am creating a fairy more on the seductive side in waiting.  My goal is to have her being partial hidden with in her environment but leaving the possibility to being discovered.  I am hoping to play with some water colors to bring a new depth to her.  So far I am liking where I am taking her. 

LadyF

MIL’s

Tis the season to be jolly, for the most part that is true, but those are the people who don’t have their crazy mother in law staying over.  I often wondered about the term “Mother In Law” and quickly realized while the tag line “in law” is necessary for ownership of creating havoc that is often over looked by the respectable word of mother.  By law she is a part of your life for the good, bad and the ugly.  For me it’s been the crazy, crazy bad and possible commitment to the insane asylum if I am around her too much.  You see, I don’t have your average honey bake Betty Crocker MIL….we are leaving the F of that acronym because that category does not apply and quite frankly it may cause a little throw up in my mouth.  You see my mother in law is crazy.  CRAZY.  Yes all caps, that’s right.  For the last several years I gave the her a chance, reached out to her like most daughter in laws do, hell I even brought her tea with crumpets on occasion….with two lumps of sugar…..well she thought it was sugar free but really it wasn’t.  Now in my case, not only did I have her but she had HER mother living with them and that was just bad news.  Even when I was introduced to the family first time around, I knew there was way more to this sweet appearing granny.  My guard was instantly up and I couldn’t tell you why.  You know how Snow white was unsure about taking the apple from the old bitty?  Yeah, um….I really can’t judge Snow White because I took the apple and bit into it to, although she was lucky she went to sleep and didn’t have to deal with the old woman and was awaken by true love’s kiss….okay back to reality, yeah I got true loves kiss and with a double portion of in law hell.  It was him that needed saving, so role verse; it was me that had to slay the dragon with two heads.  So strapping on my Mord Sith red leathers, it was go time for these ladies.  So… yeah sorry, had a moment of a day dream of Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom  where the top of the ark came off and they fell to the floor….okay so I am disturbed…but it’s really not entirely my fault!  Back to the point of all this, so I have the scrooge here and she is driving me crazy.  Trying to find that Christmas spirit is hard when the spirit is afraid to come into my house.  My reprieve….a bottle or two of wine….(white)…..word press, lifeline to Kitt…she knows the story and still remains by my side…..she would be my partner in crime in red leather too….Come to think of it Kitt we would rock that Leather ensemble like nobody’s business!  So case in point, I am actually looking forward to going to work and dealing with patients that eventually I will sedate…. but at least it will be mother in law free…. So I guess in the meantime I will be drunk, avoid apples, vent on Word press and look for  red leather outfits on line.  HO HO HO

The Sand Dollar

Shell

Sometimes we find ourselves fighting against the tide of life.  The more we struggle the further off course we become.  Everyone has their own path to follow and with that hidden and perhaps foreseeable obstacles arise to shake us from this incredible journey that we have been gifted to experience.  For me, I have had my share of life’s sucker punches.  Believing that I am exempted from life’s irony and hand of fate would not only be my demise but I really wouldn’t be living in reality.  The thing is, bad things happen.  That is it.  Most of the time there is no explanation to the why’s and how’s… it just happened.  Looking at more of my own experiences I can only learn and reapply the new lessons and try for a different result.   It’s like life’s rear view window, you can look back and see where you have been, but the main attention is looking in front of you.   With all the ugliness that has happened lately, it’s hard to see what lies ahead.  For me, it’s simple…keep it simple.   When I work at night on the floor at the hospital, I see some serious situations.  While things may go crazy, and on the floors they do, often there is a single moment where I am stopped and force to be alive due to whatever force is pulling me at that moment.  Sound weird?   Maybe.  It usually comes when I am being pulled in several directions, it is when I sense in my patient that need to be touch by the human spirit, call it kindness or just validation of their pain, I find I stop in the middle of the whirlwind of chaos and see the person that is restrained by sickness.  A single touch followed by three words, “I am here.”  is sometimes all that needs to be said.  I will never forget a patient of mine fighting against cancer and all I did was just simply sit on her bed and say those three little words, I knew I was where I was supposed to be because everything felt right.  I fit into this world somewhere.  She hugged me while she cried, and I just offered what I could.   In her battle against the tide of life she wasn’t alone.  Just like a sand dollar, white and beautiful in design but fragile by nature, we can find strength in numbers if we allow ourselves the opportunity.

It’s Been Too Long

It’s been too long since I have come and played.  I find it curious that when I start something that feeds the unquenchable desire to create and explore different mediums life hands me situations that take me away from what I need to do.  I finally am to the place where I need to breath, to exhale, and reconnect with old and new friends.  I need the support that I discovered here in the secret place of the wide and vast internet.   For those of you who do not know me, it has been very difficult for me in the last few years.  To recap, I recently lost a loved one to cancer.  It was sudden and so unexpected.  He was my father in law.  Now many people don’t really have good relationship with their in laws and I don’t, except for him.  He over time became my friend.  He supported me through nursing school and I worked on the floor where he admitted patients.  I miss the times we would sit and talk before going home to what I call an unhappy situation.  It seemed he was happier at work then home.  When he was diagnosed with cancer, I had found out I was pregnant.  The happiness I felt for the pregnancy was taken over by cancer.  As the months came, he was the patient on my floor.  I watched him slowly waste away, the man was still there but the body was shutting down.  I remember talking to him not knowing if he could hear me at times.  While this was going on his wife and her family became that of the classic story of Cinderella.  They were the wicked step mother and the three sisters.  Cinderella had it lucky in the sense that she only had to deal with four ugly people and to top it off she got her happy ending.  The family prevented us from seeing him and we would wait for my shift to end and see him late at night when they had left.  My husband would sit there hold his hand and tell him we were here.  My heart ached because he was alone.  In July my father in law passed away.  That is when it really got bad.  My mother in law and her family unleashed unthinkable acts towards us, in ways that in the dead of night they left the state and transferred the body to a different cemetery without a word to us.  Followed by a phone call that was place the next day asking us why we didn’t show up.   The next blow came when we found out that my father in law left us an inheritance so that his grandkids would be taken care off.  It was in a will that suspiciously disappeared.  When asked her family laughed and told us that they have the money and we would never see a penny of it.  Now some of you might say get a lawyer, but the problem comes we do not have the money and they knew it.  The next hit came when we were in the process of moving, our house fell to faulty pipes and exploded while we were away causing our home to be unlivable.  Yes we had insurance, but for those of you who know about dealing with them understand that they fight you for every dime.  We lost our home.  So we moved to a new place and prayed for a new beginning.  Yet the mother in law and her family were not done with us yet.  They gave cars to each other as well as vacations, while we scramble to make ends meet.  I look back at it and I knew I would be stronger for it, but it angered me to know that my children are going without while their children drove around in my father in laws Porsche.  And the saga continues.  

My point is, never had there been a need a drive to unleash my creativity to process all of this.  So when I was introduced to word press I was hoping to reach out to people and build friendships to encourage me to keep pursuing what I love.   A place where it was “safe”.  Granted I don’t know many of you, but we all have one thing in common.  The love to create.  To see beauty in the darkness.  To unleash and expose our dreams and to reach out and build one another up.   Lately the world has been drenched in ugliness and it is getting harder to see the fragile beauty that is still there.  I choose to look for it, I need to see it, and want to create it.  I want to show my children that no matter what life throws at you, you have a choice on how you react to it.  I want to demonstrate strength in that we can overcome anything.   So I come back to word press to explore and cultivate my art and writing.   It’s been too long and I need to feed my creativity.

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