To Wing or Not To Wing…

So, once again I am doing a crazy schedule with the night shift and have one day off in the middle of the crazy run, which happens to be enough time to get a paper done for my class.  While feeling the pressure of the impending deadline, my thoughtful husband tells me that he is taking the kids out to run some chores in which case I would have a nice quiet house to contemplate my  assignment.  He asks if I need anything, and on a whim I ask if he could please pick up some feminine products and if he doesn’t want to I will do it later.  After a conversation of him stating he was comfortable in his manhood of picking up the items (I am not sure who he was trying to convince), I was soon left alone with my thoughts. 

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Some time had passed in which I had wondered where my family went to, and then I heard the garage door beginning to open.  As I was finishing up the paper, my husband walks in with a look that I have rarely seen, it was a look of disgust and exasperation rolled into one.  I didn’t have to wait long to find out what happened.  As he tossed my much needed items at me while saying never again, he began the tale of Wal-Mart.  “First, let me tell you that they screwed up the aisles of the damn pads so I couldn’t do my  maneuver of roll and sweep by.”  It is a move that he uses when he doesn’t want to linger long and sweeps the items into the cart, a move that was solely devised for instances such as this.  I waited patiently as he inhales as if the mortal sin as been committed in which case I was the transgressor.  “So that meant I had to stop in front of the blasted aisle that was shortened and I couldn’t find what you usually use.”  he said.  I thought to myself, wow you were really looking?  “THEN…” As he closes his eyes as if to shake off the memory that apparently was not one of cherishment. 

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“I was flanked by two fat woman, in which case my escape route had been compromised.”  “Your escape route?” I asked.  I didn’t know that the feminine aisle required such battle tactic, but then again I am secure in my womanhood.  “These women, decided to tell me about which pads I am suppose to get for you!  They started to say unholy things as leakage, moisture, itchiness, dryness…things that a man should NEVER know!”  At this point I am doing my best to keep a straight face as I can see the whole thing play out in my minds eye.  “So what did you do?”  I asked, not really trusting my self to say much more incase I busted out laughing in such a serious moment.  “What could I do?  I couldn’t move!  They started taking the pads I had in my hands away and replacing with what THEY use!”   As he pause to take a breath, “Then our six year old daughter started to ask ME what causes itchiness and what is leaking that mom needs a bandage!”  Okay at this point I am shaking with laughter and couldn’t hold it in.  “So, Let me get this straight, you were barricade by two fat women that wanted to save you from buying the wrong product, all the while giving you an education on what we really want, thus causing our daughter to take an active role in listening to her father getting schooled in the tampon/pad aisle.” My husband gave me one of looks that he want to say so much but was showing some restraint as our little girls were near by.  Seeing an advantage here, I pressed the issue for my entertainment, “And did these ladies, give you wings?”  Yup that did it…He started to say something, but the words tripped out!  I am now laughing and feeing some sense of guilt I try to help him recover some manhood left.  “The worst part was that there was a guy in the other aisle watching all of this laughing!” He said.  “I was mortified, I was trapped.”  He then holds out his prize.  “If these aren’t the ones you want, I am sorry.  I am not going back there!”  I laughed and said, “Thank you, and not many men would take a beating like that.”  With that I gave him a hug and kiss.  As he started to walk away, I looked at the products and stated, “Hey, they don’t have wings!”  I was greeted with a killer look and a stuffed animal that flew out of no where and hit me in the head. 

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The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

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All Tied Up

All Tied Up.

To or NOT to Spandex

To or NOT to Spandex.

The Vibrator, More of a Cure than A Toy

The Vibrator, More of a Cure than A Toy.

The Vibrator, More of a Cure than A Toy

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So I came home from work after one hellish night of patient’s deciding that they would be like Jack Nicholson in the movie, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in which case I had the Haldol at the ready with an itchy trigger finger, my husband tells me, “I recorded something for you that I thought was interesting.” Okay, what he considers interesting is borderline disturbing. I was to tired to argue and while he took the kids to school, I jumped out of my work clothes and slip into something more comfortable. I grab something to eat and plopped myself down in my recliner and surf the channels for something to watch before I hit my pillow with vengeance. There I spy what my husband record, it was one of the Cinemax specials about sex. I roll my eyes, mumbling under my breath, ” It figures” and out of curiosity or fatigue not sure which, I push the play button. I was greeted by a naked women who’s’ boobs, that were mechanically enhanced, where bigger than her head, and she was going to educate me on sex toys. >Sigh< Great another informative session by Boobs with a tie- (I think they were going for a professional look.)

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As she spouted off how the dildo was used back in ancient times like Egypt and Greece – ( Greece I knew were crazy freaks) I found myself interested and amused especially when she pulled out objects that were used to conquer the tenacious sex drive! While the bouncing Boobs droned on about sex through the ages, I did (hate to admit it) learn something about the Victorian age.  According to Boobs, husbands would often visit the madams suites in the ally’s for more” dark adventures” in sex, while keeping their wives pure, (apparently they only were there for procreation and missionary style because that is acceptable sex) which led the wives to suffer from a strange illness called hysteria. Um, for the record, if I did not have my “extra activities” I would go into hysteria to.  Boob’s then went on to disclaim that the physician’s back in that time came up with a powerful cure, in which they made house visits were they would “massage” the nether regions and miraculously cure the house wives illness!  I think I choked on my drink at that point. While I am not sure how creditable Boobs was, I found it hard to believe the Victorian physicians played the part of  a classic male prostitute in the guise of curing hysteria.

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Where oh were did you get your MD doctor! So as the story goes, the physicians just had to many house calls to make and they were getting so tired and worn out ( I bet!) that they came up with the little tool called the vibrator. Now the first vibrator that one of these doctors used was built in the office and powered by coal. This was followed by a picture of these strong men shoveling coal into the furnace while the female upstairs was receiving treatment while voicing her encouragement is several high notes. ( Another way in which to use mother nature’s resource.) As time went on, improvements to the vibrator were made. In the 50’s area, the vibrator was sold incognito was a skin massager that left an after glow that lasted for days. (Funny, I bet their skin was flawless.) Even though the show lasted for about 20 mins, I was educated. While I see a lot of craziness on the floor, I am very glad that my job description does not included providing the cure to patients with hysteria, for that I will stick with Haldol and Ativan and have the doctor see ya in the morning.

To or NOT to Spandex

Okay, summer is just about here and spandex is the thing to wear lately.  Problem, not everyone has the license to wear it.   For me, to wear them two things have to happen.  First, I need to be drunk.  Second, I need to be drunk some more.  Reason, while recently I have lost over 20lbs, the mental image of my thighs and butt eating the spandex and pretty much leaving little to the imagination of untamed rolls prevents me from donning those conspicuous pants.  The reason I am discussing this, is while picking up my kid from school, parents mingle outside discussing interests or showing off their latest toys, I didn’t have to wait long for entertainment to turn heads.  Up came two women that seriously were over 300lbs dressed in spandex pants and a little shirt that struggled to cover the rolls of fat that spilled underneath.  While I credit them from their bravery, their fashion choice was seriously lacking.  As they walked by, I noticed that spandex was stretched so thin, that I could see their skin through the material.  If the leggings could talk, I am sure I could hear, “were givin all we got, she gonna blow.”  As they turned their back to me, I realized these women weren’t wearing any underwear, or their underwear was swallowed in the abyss. 

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Now usually I could careless what people wear.  I just could not take my eyes of the train wreck that was in front of me.  So while I am fighting my own insecurities about those damn spandex pants, I have to say bravo to the ladies that worn them with the best of them. 

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