All Tied Up

So I was invited to go to a wrap party.  My first impression was something a long the line of food, apparently I missed the memo of today’s modern weight loss and it was literally a wrap.  At first I was not going to go, nothing short of walking around revealing you sexy fatness to a bunch of ladies who either are fatter than you which is the hopeful, or they are in perfect shape which would be worse case scenario.  Feeling the pressure of being obligated to go, since it was hosted by my cousin, I gave in to peer pressure and mostly curiosity.   I did a quick research and found that they did work, but it was temporary and of course you had to keep up with them in order to achieve the desired look.  Now, I have tried many things, the worst being the cabbage soup, that my oh-so-wonderful-hubby decided that we (it was not a mutual agreement) would do.   That experience is all under Torture and appropriately named.  I found the product and analyzed the would be benefits for half your wallet claims and there it was, the thing I hate the most.  Pills.   Now for those of you who like the pills that is your choice.   As a nurse, I am highly critical of anything that is not regulated or had studies done to prove the claims.   While the website claimed great benefits and would be promises of the wraps, the pills that were apart of the package where there to block the fat absorption.  I roll my eyes, knowing full well that while I was being tied up, it was to prevent me from running away when the pitch of the magic bean started.   

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At the party I walked in and so far so good, it was alright until I met the person who was doing the wrapping.  I was introduce to this 90lb worn down lady, her bones protruded every which way, and her skin looked like old white leather.  The years have not been kind.  Although she was quite nice, she scared me.  I thought that if some one even farted in her direction, it would blow her away and I would be stuck either providing CPR, (which she would not survive that) or at least mend broken bones in which there was no once of fat on her to cushion such a blow.   Her arms were so transparent that I could actually do anatomy and see where muscle and veins attached.  And this was the women to lecture me on weight loss and pills.  She introduced her self to me and then what followed almost made me choke on my bottle of water…she is a personal trainer.  (Um….really?  I held my breath…..great….hold the sarcasm at bay.)   So it went on, and I had my thighs wrapped which made going to the bathroom quite difficult since we were told to push water to rid our bodies of the toxins that the wraps are releasing…..(Again the award goes to me for holding my sarcasm in check)……although I had a few choice words when performing gymnastics in the bathroom to prevent peeing on myself when your legs are tied up in cellophane.   Oh back tracking a bit, when I was getting tied up she measured my thighs and as she is wrapping me, causally she tells me how it doesn’t bother her seeing women naked and that she used to work for a strip club…..a wha what?  Okay, I cast no judgments, I think strip clubs are highly entertaining, just thought it an odd moment to reveal such information with her head up close and personal to my business.   Not sure really what to say after that, so I mumble, “Oh that’s nice….”  Yeah I can’t wait to hear about the pill products that are coming up.  While the wrap did feel nice and cool  much like lathering up your legs in Vicks vaporub, I started to relax and laugh while the other girls wrapped up other parts of their body. 

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When it was all said and the demonstration began.  We all gathered around the table and she had not one but two supplements that help with weight loss and that it was straight concentrated fruits and veggies.  My question was, what is wrong with eating fruits and veggies, the powder form was dark green and looked the least appetizing.  Well in one little scoop you can have all your daily servings.   The look on my face when I tasted to concoction must have been revealing.  Then the lecture of how doctors push medications for everything and how that it is better to go natural.  Ok, I hate this part, so I began to speak.  Yes we live in an age where there is a pill for everything, her pill is included in that.  While medicine has its draw backs, it has extended life.  For a person who doesn’t  look healthy and is more anorexic then fit, I will keep to what is working for me.  I like my fruits and veggies in a non powder form.  What really got me, is that one of the other girls had an insulin pump and nurse mode kicked in.  On one of the pills I noticed an ingredient and pointed out to my mother, who braved the wrap challenge with me and is also a nurse,  she gave me that look and red flags went up.  The main ingredient was contraindicated for diabetics.  Of course fitness Sally had no clue while she was pushing her products.    Lets just say, the girl got a big caution and placed the pills back down and stated she would talk to her doctor before trying anything……good girl!   I don’t think and pills were sold at that party.  As I waddled back to the bathroom for another feat of trying to pee, I was thankfully told I could unwrap my self and re measured.  I tore the wrap off, peed like a normal person with great relief.   I went to measure and lost an inch of my thighs.  I was happy, but doubtful and wondering how long it would last.  So while I was up in arms about the supplements, Fitness Sally did make money off me as I bought the wrap package…..hey I am a woman and personally, I liked the cool tingly feeling on my thighs  😛   

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitt Crescendo
    May 10, 2013 @ 22:37:11

    Nothing wrong with cool tingly feelings in the thigh area…the higher the better, but dude, if you’re going to get tied up I strongly recommend a hot cowboy with lasso skills or your hubby (not some scrawny lady who probably takes laxatives to go with her pill vitamins, likes to wrap women up and used to “entertain”.) Just sayin!

    Reply

  2. Trackback: All Tied Up | The Closet Artist

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