The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

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To or NOT to Spandex

Okay, summer is just about here and spandex is the thing to wear lately.  Problem, not everyone has the license to wear it.   For me, to wear them two things have to happen.  First, I need to be drunk.  Second, I need to be drunk some more.  Reason, while recently I have lost over 20lbs, the mental image of my thighs and butt eating the spandex and pretty much leaving little to the imagination of untamed rolls prevents me from donning those conspicuous pants.  The reason I am discussing this, is while picking up my kid from school, parents mingle outside discussing interests or showing off their latest toys, I didn’t have to wait long for entertainment to turn heads.  Up came two women that seriously were over 300lbs dressed in spandex pants and a little shirt that struggled to cover the rolls of fat that spilled underneath.  While I credit them from their bravery, their fashion choice was seriously lacking.  As they walked by, I noticed that spandex was stretched so thin, that I could see their skin through the material.  If the leggings could talk, I am sure I could hear, “were givin all we got, she gonna blow.”  As they turned their back to me, I realized these women weren’t wearing any underwear, or their underwear was swallowed in the abyss. 

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Now usually I could careless what people wear.  I just could not take my eyes of the train wreck that was in front of me.  So while I am fighting my own insecurities about those damn spandex pants, I have to say bravo to the ladies that worn them with the best of them. 

All Tied Up

So I was invited to go to a wrap party.  My first impression was something a long the line of food, apparently I missed the memo of today’s modern weight loss and it was literally a wrap.  At first I was not going to go, nothing short of walking around revealing you sexy fatness to a bunch of ladies who either are fatter than you which is the hopeful, or they are in perfect shape which would be worse case scenario.  Feeling the pressure of being obligated to go, since it was hosted by my cousin, I gave in to peer pressure and mostly curiosity.   I did a quick research and found that they did work, but it was temporary and of course you had to keep up with them in order to achieve the desired look.  Now, I have tried many things, the worst being the cabbage soup, that my oh-so-wonderful-hubby decided that we (it was not a mutual agreement) would do.   That experience is all under Torture and appropriately named.  I found the product and analyzed the would be benefits for half your wallet claims and there it was, the thing I hate the most.  Pills.   Now for those of you who like the pills that is your choice.   As a nurse, I am highly critical of anything that is not regulated or had studies done to prove the claims.   While the website claimed great benefits and would be promises of the wraps, the pills that were apart of the package where there to block the fat absorption.  I roll my eyes, knowing full well that while I was being tied up, it was to prevent me from running away when the pitch of the magic bean started.   

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At the party I walked in and so far so good, it was alright until I met the person who was doing the wrapping.  I was introduce to this 90lb worn down lady, her bones protruded every which way, and her skin looked like old white leather.  The years have not been kind.  Although she was quite nice, she scared me.  I thought that if some one even farted in her direction, it would blow her away and I would be stuck either providing CPR, (which she would not survive that) or at least mend broken bones in which there was no once of fat on her to cushion such a blow.   Her arms were so transparent that I could actually do anatomy and see where muscle and veins attached.  And this was the women to lecture me on weight loss and pills.  She introduced her self to me and then what followed almost made me choke on my bottle of water…she is a personal trainer.  (Um….really?  I held my breath…..great….hold the sarcasm at bay.)   So it went on, and I had my thighs wrapped which made going to the bathroom quite difficult since we were told to push water to rid our bodies of the toxins that the wraps are releasing…..(Again the award goes to me for holding my sarcasm in check)……although I had a few choice words when performing gymnastics in the bathroom to prevent peeing on myself when your legs are tied up in cellophane.   Oh back tracking a bit, when I was getting tied up she measured my thighs and as she is wrapping me, causally she tells me how it doesn’t bother her seeing women naked and that she used to work for a strip club…..a wha what?  Okay, I cast no judgments, I think strip clubs are highly entertaining, just thought it an odd moment to reveal such information with her head up close and personal to my business.   Not sure really what to say after that, so I mumble, “Oh that’s nice….”  Yeah I can’t wait to hear about the pill products that are coming up.  While the wrap did feel nice and cool  much like lathering up your legs in Vicks vaporub, I started to relax and laugh while the other girls wrapped up other parts of their body. 

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When it was all said and the demonstration began.  We all gathered around the table and she had not one but two supplements that help with weight loss and that it was straight concentrated fruits and veggies.  My question was, what is wrong with eating fruits and veggies, the powder form was dark green and looked the least appetizing.  Well in one little scoop you can have all your daily servings.   The look on my face when I tasted to concoction must have been revealing.  Then the lecture of how doctors push medications for everything and how that it is better to go natural.  Ok, I hate this part, so I began to speak.  Yes we live in an age where there is a pill for everything, her pill is included in that.  While medicine has its draw backs, it has extended life.  For a person who doesn’t  look healthy and is more anorexic then fit, I will keep to what is working for me.  I like my fruits and veggies in a non powder form.  What really got me, is that one of the other girls had an insulin pump and nurse mode kicked in.  On one of the pills I noticed an ingredient and pointed out to my mother, who braved the wrap challenge with me and is also a nurse,  she gave me that look and red flags went up.  The main ingredient was contraindicated for diabetics.  Of course fitness Sally had no clue while she was pushing her products.    Lets just say, the girl got a big caution and placed the pills back down and stated she would talk to her doctor before trying anything……good girl!   I don’t think and pills were sold at that party.  As I waddled back to the bathroom for another feat of trying to pee, I was thankfully told I could unwrap my self and re measured.  I tore the wrap off, peed like a normal person with great relief.   I went to measure and lost an inch of my thighs.  I was happy, but doubtful and wondering how long it would last.  So while I was up in arms about the supplements, Fitness Sally did make money off me as I bought the wrap package…..hey I am a woman and personally, I liked the cool tingly feeling on my thighs  😛   

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My Torture

Okay, so summer is creeping around the corner and for us ladies that means one thing……swimsuits!  Yes the dreaded S word in which directs our attention to the areas that we have successfully hid during the winter months or just flat out told everyone that the extra weight is just a winter coat!  As I eye the closet with all the hopefuls….yes pieces of clothing that I hope to fit in during the summer, I know that hopefully will soon turn into hopefully not if I don’t get myself in check now.

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Now don’t get me wrong I have jumped on the treadmill several times, done the zumba thing and my husband even signed me up for boot camp (without me knowing it which ended with him out on the couch!)  But still those few extra pounds have made a home in which case must be evicted prior to the summer coming.  So my husband ( who is the cook, and I can’t cook to save my life) has made the decision that we (him and I….I don’t remember voting on this…) are going to do a cabbage diet.   My reaction….”A what!?!”  I made him clarify…..the answer wasn’t good…  Apparently for the next week I can eat ALL the cabbage soup I want….YAY!!  But that is all I eat….NOOO!!!!!

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So I last night I had my first taste of what the week will be like…..Its going to be a LONG week!  While flushing my system with water and cabbage, I not only do I feel light…most in the head… my personality is slowing turning to the dark side, especially when I see real food being enjoyed by others.  So for motivation I have pull out my bikini and hung it on the door for encouragement, which is not helping.  While I am being served cabbage all you can eat soup I am suffering in silence.  I am telling myself for its only for a week….and I will be 10lbs lighter to jump start into the summer.  So while I eat this bowl of torture, I can’t help but spy a log of sausage sitting on the counter, while talking to Kitt I am having delusions of grandeur of how that sausage would taste…….but alas my competitive side is keeping me from splurging in hiding.   So here’s to losing the weight insanity style!!!

fatman

Here is my goal!

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