Just a Doodle

Sometimes when things become crazy and you want time to slow down, that is when I pull out my small sketch pad and just start sketching mindlessly.  I never know or plan how these types of sketches turn out, but they are always unique in their design. IMG_20131210_142533The best part, is when my daughter pulls out her sketch pad and sits by me and we come up with ideas together.  I want to make her creative time a place where she can use as an outlet to express herself.

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Earth Fairy

So I ventured into something that I always wanted to play around with. Watercolors. I have always been intimidated by them, yet at the same time I have become bored with just the simple pencil. While I am self-taught, I understand that in order to become good at something you have to just do it. Of course with this being my first piece with watercolors I have learned a lot going through this process. So while facing my fears on the canvas I am gaining insight on how this works. I do know this, while creating I find true happiness and peace. It takes me to a place where there is possibilities without judgment.

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It Matters

Its been a long time since I sat down and faced the keyboard.  While I had many ideas to exploit, it comes down to does it matter?  I am not sure, all I know is that the need to acknowledge the inner side that has been buried underneath by the demands of life.  It is like I am  screaming from the inside begging to be fed something, something that I feel I cannot provide.  While I am an active reader of many and wonderful blogs, I cannot help but be somewhat envious of them.  While their writings are exceptional, I have come to realize that the bloggers are doing something that they love.  While I am trapped fighting to develop what I know is inside of me against the negative naysayers that quite often tell me that I am wasting my time.  I just know that it is something that quiets my mind, it provides a peace from the disappointments, expectations, and pending obligations and provides me a space of freedom of where I can be me.  I prefer sketching to writing because I enjoy the creation of something that I imagined.  While exploring what can be, I find that I become relaxed and by doing that I become rejuvenated and able to function in my many roles.   The need for me to find such a time to release my frustrations or just to recenter has grown because of the new responsibility of being accepted into Nurse Practitioner school.  On one side I never thought this is were my road would take me.  The amount of pressure to succeed is daunting at best.  While I struggle to keep from hyperventilating at times, I know this has to work because of who depends on me to do this.  The amount of pressure I feel is hard to bare at times.  I have also been accepted into the highest Honor Society for Nursing.  I went to my induction and waited in line to receive my accepting certificate.  I looked into the audience and realized how big this actually was and part of me was in denial that I was in line to receive the honor.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but realize that I was proud, I worked hard, I am a good nurse and have the potential to rise higher.  Yet, the creative side felt betrayed.  As they called my name, I walked on to the stage, but with each step I felt the creative artist die a little. Have I chosen my path in life?  Have I given up of becoming an artist? The funny thing is even as I ask that question now, the inside of my head screams a resounding NO! So how do I find balance?  The answer was staring me in the face.  As I was reading through my horrendously boring assignment in epidemiology I found my self doodling.  I stopped and found a spark of hope that maybe just maybe I might combine the two.  While reading I discovered that my learning went higher when I drew the connections out.  I gave myself permission to explore concepts through art.  Yeah its not the art that I love to create, but it is still art.  So while I walk down this new path that honestly scares the hell out of me, I find comfort in keeping my little sketch pad close by. 

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

 

The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

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A Walk with Kitt

 

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Recently I read a blog that talked about friendship, Girlfriends Love Giveaways,  and got to thinking about my oldest and dearest friend.  Kitt Crescendo.  

It is always interesting on the timing of things and meeting Kitt was no different.  During that time, I was an  awkward looking kid that was trying to find herself in a world of nasty cliques and peer pressure.  I often was bullied to the point that walking to school gave me such anxiety that I often prayed that I would go unnoticed and to me that was a good day.  The morning I met Kitt, I was sitting in a small room with my yonger brother who was annoying Kitt, who sat at another table.  In fear I told him to stop bugging her because I could ill afford another bully and not to mention Kitt was a few grades a head of me and I was just a kid.  I tried to thrawt my brother’s annoying antics and realizing that he wasn’t going to listen, I quickly said a soft apology to Kitt and prayed for someone to make me invisible.  I remember Kitt looking at me and smiled telling me not to worry about it and gave my brother one of those don’t-test-me-or-I-am-going- to-knock-you-flat look.  I remember the air self confidence that was present and wanted so much to have something like that!  What came next was that Kitt didn’t go off on her own, she actually started to talk with me and walked with me to school.  Now, to most of you that read this your like big deal, but the point is no one talked to me let alone someone in a higher grade. 

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That walk turned to many walks and soon I started to open up and let someone close in.  It was the beginning of a lasting friendship that has been a lifeline through so many pittfalls.  Through her I discovered talents, she was one of the first people I let in to see my sketches.  She stood up for me when the bullies came around.  She made grade school tolerable.  As the years went on, highschool, and college our friendship grew and matured.  I had friends come for a season and had great times and experiances, but Kitt has been the one friend that has truly made herself a permenant fixture in my life.  Through my losses she has been my net where her words bounce me back, through my wins she is cheering me on, when I doing something stupid (depending on what it is) she is right there.  She is the girl that would hold your hair while your paying homage to the proceilin god laughing at you!  I wouldn’t have it any other way!  She is the sister I have chosen and one of the best descisions I made. My daughters know her as auntie Kitt.    I only hope that my girls will find someone like that to share their life adventures.  Kitt,  I want to say a special thank you for being you.  For those of you who do know her, know you have found a rare gem in this world. 

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In the Eye’s of A Nurse

After a long two back to back twelve hour shifts at the hospital I often find myself looking forward to the long walk of locating my car that is purposefully parked in the furthest parking lot.  This is a time of reflection for me as I enjoy the breaking of the sun over the horizon, the cool air on my face and the sound of my shoes softly hitting the pavement.  It is a time of reflection and peace that is not interrupted with the constant sound of my spectra link (cell phone) that I am forced to carry during work.  Here I am alone with my thoughts asking my self the same question.  “What do I want.”  I simple question that is often met with a layered answer.   Of course there is lots I want but would I truly be happy?  For me as I walk to my car, unlike most people who are in a hurry to get home, I take noticed of the small things.  For example, I noticed colors, shapes, textures and hidden designs.  It is where I find simple beauty.  It becomes my appreciation for being healthy and a live.

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As I inhale deeply the cold and crisp air morning air, I realize that this my awakening.  My artist is wrestling to put my nurse persona away so my creative side can come out and soak up details that I may use later when sketching.   It is a life line really.  Being a nurse you see a lot of ugliness, sadness, and hostile patients that believe in entitlement to the exclusion of everything else.  The world is ugly. Yet, when I feel the constraints of my job something always happens.  I will cross paths with the one patient that reaches out and touches me.  I will see bravery of those who ask for nothing but are so grateful for a humane touch.  I see beauty in the aging with lines etched in their faces that tell of laughter and happiness.  I see hope, strength, courage flash through my minds eye as I remembered those that have touched me.  So perhaps while I struggle to become an artist, my training is just beginning.  Learning to see human nature at its ugliest and at its most beautiful.  I am in a unique position to portray the human spirit through a nurse’s eyes.  While it is easy for me to see beauty in nature, I am learning to see beauty in humanity.  Perhaps this is my walk in life….

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A Little Magic

Have you ever been lost in something such as writing, painting, or other hobbies that you forget about time itself.  In my moments late at night, I was simply enjoying the music pumping through my iPod while engaging the blank piece of paper.  I was free of real life worries or pending issues, it was just  my pencils and I.  The exploration of what can happen always excites me when layout the ground work for an imagine.  Finding a reference for poses is always quite the challenge due to the short list of people who would pose for me so I am left from studying forms from pictures.  It is how I study art.  I appreciate the dances of lines, the subtle touch of shading to bring out the form.  To me its like magic.  Learning to see angles from the positive and negative spaces takes time but allows me to see the simplicity of shapes that come together to form a more complex image.   To me its the dance of lines.  To be the one composing such a dance brings a satisfaction and self worth that I cannot describe.  Its like seeing something about yourself that is pure in away, that sparks something inside your soul that brings about a happiness and peace that can only be found when you accept something that is true about yourself.   When I draw its like a spiritual encounter, the inner voice quiets down and you begin to see in a perspective without judgement.  It is a world that most are uninvited until the finished product is revealed.  But what most don’t know is that it is a true labor of love, the experience of creating is where the magic happens.  The self voyage of discovery.   I stayed up until 2 am working on this one.  It is not finished by any means but I feel the need to post.  After all this little space (blog) is my digital sketch book.  

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