To Wing or Not To Wing…

So, once again I am doing a crazy schedule with the night shift and have one day off in the middle of the crazy run, which happens to be enough time to get a paper done for my class.  While feeling the pressure of the impending deadline, my thoughtful husband tells me that he is taking the kids out to run some chores in which case I would have a nice quiet house to contemplate my  assignment.  He asks if I need anything, and on a whim I ask if he could please pick up some feminine products and if he doesn’t want to I will do it later.  After a conversation of him stating he was comfortable in his manhood of picking up the items (I am not sure who he was trying to convince), I was soon left alone with my thoughts. 

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Some time had passed in which I had wondered where my family went to, and then I heard the garage door beginning to open.  As I was finishing up the paper, my husband walks in with a look that I have rarely seen, it was a look of disgust and exasperation rolled into one.  I didn’t have to wait long to find out what happened.  As he tossed my much needed items at me while saying never again, he began the tale of Wal-Mart.  “First, let me tell you that they screwed up the aisles of the damn pads so I couldn’t do my  maneuver of roll and sweep by.”  It is a move that he uses when he doesn’t want to linger long and sweeps the items into the cart, a move that was solely devised for instances such as this.  I waited patiently as he inhales as if the mortal sin as been committed in which case I was the transgressor.  “So that meant I had to stop in front of the blasted aisle that was shortened and I couldn’t find what you usually use.”  he said.  I thought to myself, wow you were really looking?  “THEN…” As he closes his eyes as if to shake off the memory that apparently was not one of cherishment. 

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“I was flanked by two fat woman, in which case my escape route had been compromised.”  “Your escape route?” I asked.  I didn’t know that the feminine aisle required such battle tactic, but then again I am secure in my womanhood.  “These women, decided to tell me about which pads I am suppose to get for you!  They started to say unholy things as leakage, moisture, itchiness, dryness…things that a man should NEVER know!”  At this point I am doing my best to keep a straight face as I can see the whole thing play out in my minds eye.  “So what did you do?”  I asked, not really trusting my self to say much more incase I busted out laughing in such a serious moment.  “What could I do?  I couldn’t move!  They started taking the pads I had in my hands away and replacing with what THEY use!”   As he pause to take a breath, “Then our six year old daughter started to ask ME what causes itchiness and what is leaking that mom needs a bandage!”  Okay at this point I am shaking with laughter and couldn’t hold it in.  “So, Let me get this straight, you were barricade by two fat women that wanted to save you from buying the wrong product, all the while giving you an education on what we really want, thus causing our daughter to take an active role in listening to her father getting schooled in the tampon/pad aisle.” My husband gave me one of looks that he want to say so much but was showing some restraint as our little girls were near by.  Seeing an advantage here, I pressed the issue for my entertainment, “And did these ladies, give you wings?”  Yup that did it…He started to say something, but the words tripped out!  I am now laughing and feeing some sense of guilt I try to help him recover some manhood left.  “The worst part was that there was a guy in the other aisle watching all of this laughing!” He said.  “I was mortified, I was trapped.”  He then holds out his prize.  “If these aren’t the ones you want, I am sorry.  I am not going back there!”  I laughed and said, “Thank you, and not many men would take a beating like that.”  With that I gave him a hug and kiss.  As he started to walk away, I looked at the products and stated, “Hey, they don’t have wings!”  I was greeted with a killer look and a stuffed animal that flew out of no where and hit me in the head. 

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The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

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To or NOT to Spandex

Okay, summer is just about here and spandex is the thing to wear lately.  Problem, not everyone has the license to wear it.   For me, to wear them two things have to happen.  First, I need to be drunk.  Second, I need to be drunk some more.  Reason, while recently I have lost over 20lbs, the mental image of my thighs and butt eating the spandex and pretty much leaving little to the imagination of untamed rolls prevents me from donning those conspicuous pants.  The reason I am discussing this, is while picking up my kid from school, parents mingle outside discussing interests or showing off their latest toys, I didn’t have to wait long for entertainment to turn heads.  Up came two women that seriously were over 300lbs dressed in spandex pants and a little shirt that struggled to cover the rolls of fat that spilled underneath.  While I credit them from their bravery, their fashion choice was seriously lacking.  As they walked by, I noticed that spandex was stretched so thin, that I could see their skin through the material.  If the leggings could talk, I am sure I could hear, “were givin all we got, she gonna blow.”  As they turned their back to me, I realized these women weren’t wearing any underwear, or their underwear was swallowed in the abyss. 

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Now usually I could careless what people wear.  I just could not take my eyes of the train wreck that was in front of me.  So while I am fighting my own insecurities about those damn spandex pants, I have to say bravo to the ladies that worn them with the best of them. 

My Torture

Okay, so summer is creeping around the corner and for us ladies that means one thing……swimsuits!  Yes the dreaded S word in which directs our attention to the areas that we have successfully hid during the winter months or just flat out told everyone that the extra weight is just a winter coat!  As I eye the closet with all the hopefuls….yes pieces of clothing that I hope to fit in during the summer, I know that hopefully will soon turn into hopefully not if I don’t get myself in check now.

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Now don’t get me wrong I have jumped on the treadmill several times, done the zumba thing and my husband even signed me up for boot camp (without me knowing it which ended with him out on the couch!)  But still those few extra pounds have made a home in which case must be evicted prior to the summer coming.  So my husband ( who is the cook, and I can’t cook to save my life) has made the decision that we (him and I….I don’t remember voting on this…) are going to do a cabbage diet.   My reaction….”A what!?!”  I made him clarify…..the answer wasn’t good…  Apparently for the next week I can eat ALL the cabbage soup I want….YAY!!  But that is all I eat….NOOO!!!!!

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So I last night I had my first taste of what the week will be like…..Its going to be a LONG week!  While flushing my system with water and cabbage, I not only do I feel light…most in the head… my personality is slowing turning to the dark side, especially when I see real food being enjoyed by others.  So for motivation I have pull out my bikini and hung it on the door for encouragement, which is not helping.  While I am being served cabbage all you can eat soup I am suffering in silence.  I am telling myself for its only for a week….and I will be 10lbs lighter to jump start into the summer.  So while I eat this bowl of torture, I can’t help but spy a log of sausage sitting on the counter, while talking to Kitt I am having delusions of grandeur of how that sausage would taste…….but alas my competitive side is keeping me from splurging in hiding.   So here’s to losing the weight insanity style!!!

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Here is my goal!

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