It Matters

Its been a long time since I sat down and faced the keyboard.  While I had many ideas to exploit, it comes down to does it matter?  I am not sure, all I know is that the need to acknowledge the inner side that has been buried underneath by the demands of life.  It is like I am  screaming from the inside begging to be fed something, something that I feel I cannot provide.  While I am an active reader of many and wonderful blogs, I cannot help but be somewhat envious of them.  While their writings are exceptional, I have come to realize that the bloggers are doing something that they love.  While I am trapped fighting to develop what I know is inside of me against the negative naysayers that quite often tell me that I am wasting my time.  I just know that it is something that quiets my mind, it provides a peace from the disappointments, expectations, and pending obligations and provides me a space of freedom of where I can be me.  I prefer sketching to writing because I enjoy the creation of something that I imagined.  While exploring what can be, I find that I become relaxed and by doing that I become rejuvenated and able to function in my many roles.   The need for me to find such a time to release my frustrations or just to recenter has grown because of the new responsibility of being accepted into Nurse Practitioner school.  On one side I never thought this is were my road would take me.  The amount of pressure to succeed is daunting at best.  While I struggle to keep from hyperventilating at times, I know this has to work because of who depends on me to do this.  The amount of pressure I feel is hard to bare at times.  I have also been accepted into the highest Honor Society for Nursing.  I went to my induction and waited in line to receive my accepting certificate.  I looked into the audience and realized how big this actually was and part of me was in denial that I was in line to receive the honor.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but realize that I was proud, I worked hard, I am a good nurse and have the potential to rise higher.  Yet, the creative side felt betrayed.  As they called my name, I walked on to the stage, but with each step I felt the creative artist die a little. Have I chosen my path in life?  Have I given up of becoming an artist? The funny thing is even as I ask that question now, the inside of my head screams a resounding NO! So how do I find balance?  The answer was staring me in the face.  As I was reading through my horrendously boring assignment in epidemiology I found my self doodling.  I stopped and found a spark of hope that maybe just maybe I might combine the two.  While reading I discovered that my learning went higher when I drew the connections out.  I gave myself permission to explore concepts through art.  Yeah its not the art that I love to create, but it is still art.  So while I walk down this new path that honestly scares the hell out of me, I find comfort in keeping my little sketch pad close by. 

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

 

The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

bahahahahahaha

My Torture

Okay, so summer is creeping around the corner and for us ladies that means one thing……swimsuits!  Yes the dreaded S word in which directs our attention to the areas that we have successfully hid during the winter months or just flat out told everyone that the extra weight is just a winter coat!  As I eye the closet with all the hopefuls….yes pieces of clothing that I hope to fit in during the summer, I know that hopefully will soon turn into hopefully not if I don’t get myself in check now.

fatladyin chair

Now don’t get me wrong I have jumped on the treadmill several times, done the zumba thing and my husband even signed me up for boot camp (without me knowing it which ended with him out on the couch!)  But still those few extra pounds have made a home in which case must be evicted prior to the summer coming.  So my husband ( who is the cook, and I can’t cook to save my life) has made the decision that we (him and I….I don’t remember voting on this…) are going to do a cabbage diet.   My reaction….”A what!?!”  I made him clarify…..the answer wasn’t good…  Apparently for the next week I can eat ALL the cabbage soup I want….YAY!!  But that is all I eat….NOOO!!!!!

baby

So I last night I had my first taste of what the week will be like…..Its going to be a LONG week!  While flushing my system with water and cabbage, I not only do I feel light…most in the head… my personality is slowing turning to the dark side, especially when I see real food being enjoyed by others.  So for motivation I have pull out my bikini and hung it on the door for encouragement, which is not helping.  While I am being served cabbage all you can eat soup I am suffering in silence.  I am telling myself for its only for a week….and I will be 10lbs lighter to jump start into the summer.  So while I eat this bowl of torture, I can’t help but spy a log of sausage sitting on the counter, while talking to Kitt I am having delusions of grandeur of how that sausage would taste…….but alas my competitive side is keeping me from splurging in hiding.   So here’s to losing the weight insanity style!!!

fatman

Here is my goal!

nicebody

The Sand Dollar

Shell

Sometimes we find ourselves fighting against the tide of life.  The more we struggle the further off course we become.  Everyone has their own path to follow and with that hidden and perhaps foreseeable obstacles arise to shake us from this incredible journey that we have been gifted to experience.  For me, I have had my share of life’s sucker punches.  Believing that I am exempted from life’s irony and hand of fate would not only be my demise but I really wouldn’t be living in reality.  The thing is, bad things happen.  That is it.  Most of the time there is no explanation to the why’s and how’s… it just happened.  Looking at more of my own experiences I can only learn and reapply the new lessons and try for a different result.   It’s like life’s rear view window, you can look back and see where you have been, but the main attention is looking in front of you.   With all the ugliness that has happened lately, it’s hard to see what lies ahead.  For me, it’s simple…keep it simple.   When I work at night on the floor at the hospital, I see some serious situations.  While things may go crazy, and on the floors they do, often there is a single moment where I am stopped and force to be alive due to whatever force is pulling me at that moment.  Sound weird?   Maybe.  It usually comes when I am being pulled in several directions, it is when I sense in my patient that need to be touch by the human spirit, call it kindness or just validation of their pain, I find I stop in the middle of the whirlwind of chaos and see the person that is restrained by sickness.  A single touch followed by three words, “I am here.”  is sometimes all that needs to be said.  I will never forget a patient of mine fighting against cancer and all I did was just simply sit on her bed and say those three little words, I knew I was where I was supposed to be because everything felt right.  I fit into this world somewhere.  She hugged me while she cried, and I just offered what I could.   In her battle against the tide of life she wasn’t alone.  Just like a sand dollar, white and beautiful in design but fragile by nature, we can find strength in numbers if we allow ourselves the opportunity.

It’s Been Too Long

It’s been too long since I have come and played.  I find it curious that when I start something that feeds the unquenchable desire to create and explore different mediums life hands me situations that take me away from what I need to do.  I finally am to the place where I need to breath, to exhale, and reconnect with old and new friends.  I need the support that I discovered here in the secret place of the wide and vast internet.   For those of you who do not know me, it has been very difficult for me in the last few years.  To recap, I recently lost a loved one to cancer.  It was sudden and so unexpected.  He was my father in law.  Now many people don’t really have good relationship with their in laws and I don’t, except for him.  He over time became my friend.  He supported me through nursing school and I worked on the floor where he admitted patients.  I miss the times we would sit and talk before going home to what I call an unhappy situation.  It seemed he was happier at work then home.  When he was diagnosed with cancer, I had found out I was pregnant.  The happiness I felt for the pregnancy was taken over by cancer.  As the months came, he was the patient on my floor.  I watched him slowly waste away, the man was still there but the body was shutting down.  I remember talking to him not knowing if he could hear me at times.  While this was going on his wife and her family became that of the classic story of Cinderella.  They were the wicked step mother and the three sisters.  Cinderella had it lucky in the sense that she only had to deal with four ugly people and to top it off she got her happy ending.  The family prevented us from seeing him and we would wait for my shift to end and see him late at night when they had left.  My husband would sit there hold his hand and tell him we were here.  My heart ached because he was alone.  In July my father in law passed away.  That is when it really got bad.  My mother in law and her family unleashed unthinkable acts towards us, in ways that in the dead of night they left the state and transferred the body to a different cemetery without a word to us.  Followed by a phone call that was place the next day asking us why we didn’t show up.   The next blow came when we found out that my father in law left us an inheritance so that his grandkids would be taken care off.  It was in a will that suspiciously disappeared.  When asked her family laughed and told us that they have the money and we would never see a penny of it.  Now some of you might say get a lawyer, but the problem comes we do not have the money and they knew it.  The next hit came when we were in the process of moving, our house fell to faulty pipes and exploded while we were away causing our home to be unlivable.  Yes we had insurance, but for those of you who know about dealing with them understand that they fight you for every dime.  We lost our home.  So we moved to a new place and prayed for a new beginning.  Yet the mother in law and her family were not done with us yet.  They gave cars to each other as well as vacations, while we scramble to make ends meet.  I look back at it and I knew I would be stronger for it, but it angered me to know that my children are going without while their children drove around in my father in laws Porsche.  And the saga continues.  

My point is, never had there been a need a drive to unleash my creativity to process all of this.  So when I was introduced to word press I was hoping to reach out to people and build friendships to encourage me to keep pursuing what I love.   A place where it was “safe”.  Granted I don’t know many of you, but we all have one thing in common.  The love to create.  To see beauty in the darkness.  To unleash and expose our dreams and to reach out and build one another up.   Lately the world has been drenched in ugliness and it is getting harder to see the fragile beauty that is still there.  I choose to look for it, I need to see it, and want to create it.  I want to show my children that no matter what life throws at you, you have a choice on how you react to it.  I want to demonstrate strength in that we can overcome anything.   So I come back to word press to explore and cultivate my art and writing.   It’s been too long and I need to feed my creativity.

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