It Matters

Its been a long time since I sat down and faced the keyboard.  While I had many ideas to exploit, it comes down to does it matter?  I am not sure, all I know is that the need to acknowledge the inner side that has been buried underneath by the demands of life.  It is like I am  screaming from the inside begging to be fed something, something that I feel I cannot provide.  While I am an active reader of many and wonderful blogs, I cannot help but be somewhat envious of them.  While their writings are exceptional, I have come to realize that the bloggers are doing something that they love.  While I am trapped fighting to develop what I know is inside of me against the negative naysayers that quite often tell me that I am wasting my time.  I just know that it is something that quiets my mind, it provides a peace from the disappointments, expectations, and pending obligations and provides me a space of freedom of where I can be me.  I prefer sketching to writing because I enjoy the creation of something that I imagined.  While exploring what can be, I find that I become relaxed and by doing that I become rejuvenated and able to function in my many roles.   The need for me to find such a time to release my frustrations or just to recenter has grown because of the new responsibility of being accepted into Nurse Practitioner school.  On one side I never thought this is were my road would take me.  The amount of pressure to succeed is daunting at best.  While I struggle to keep from hyperventilating at times, I know this has to work because of who depends on me to do this.  The amount of pressure I feel is hard to bare at times.  I have also been accepted into the highest Honor Society for Nursing.  I went to my induction and waited in line to receive my accepting certificate.  I looked into the audience and realized how big this actually was and part of me was in denial that I was in line to receive the honor.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but realize that I was proud, I worked hard, I am a good nurse and have the potential to rise higher.  Yet, the creative side felt betrayed.  As they called my name, I walked on to the stage, but with each step I felt the creative artist die a little. Have I chosen my path in life?  Have I given up of becoming an artist? The funny thing is even as I ask that question now, the inside of my head screams a resounding NO! So how do I find balance?  The answer was staring me in the face.  As I was reading through my horrendously boring assignment in epidemiology I found my self doodling.  I stopped and found a spark of hope that maybe just maybe I might combine the two.  While reading I discovered that my learning went higher when I drew the connections out.  I gave myself permission to explore concepts through art.  Yeah its not the art that I love to create, but it is still art.  So while I walk down this new path that honestly scares the hell out of me, I find comfort in keeping my little sketch pad close by. 

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

 

The Magic Bean

So I was working my night shift in which I had people tied down in leathers followed by  several calls to security for other patients getting out of hand.  (while leathers may be fun in other instances, this apparently was not one of them.  All in a night’s work of being a nurse.) 

Nurse humor

Once things settled down and everyone was comfortably sedated, I was able to get some work done and joined the others in a conversation that did not involve me giving Dilaudid in some form.  I was asked what I was doing since, according to them I have lost weight.  I shrug and stated that I worked out and changed my diet.  Apparently that was not the popular answer.  “Really”  That’s all you do?”  I didn’t know there was more to the equation.  Soon, I heard all sorts of ways to loose weight and the single common factor was….”I take this pill….”   Now if anyone knows me, I get put off when people tell me that “I just take this pill…..”  First, there is no magic pill that will give you what you want without taking something from you.  Period.  None of that shit is regulated and you have NO idea what or how much is in the magic concoction that you are subjecting your body to without the guidance of a physician.  For example, herbals…..If a person is on a blood thinner because they had suffer a heart attack and then some Joe Blow tells them of this wonder magic potion that will cure all alignments like St Johns Wort, something WILL happen when you mix the two products.   St Johns Wart will actually make your blood thinner by itself so you can imagine what two blood thinners will do…..You wind up on my floor and I have to stick your sorry ass with Vitimin K shots or give you a transfusion of platelets.   My biggest pet peeve is Dr OZ.  Granted he may be a good physician when he is handling your case personally, my beef with  him is when he promotes such pills for weight loss to the general public and people who “typically” don’t do any research on what the medication is  blindly take the pills in hope for something better and really hurt themselves in the long run without the promised weight loss.  

Potential merit....

Often, and I see this a lot, people take this supplements usually are helping themselves to a bag of potato chips while sitting on the couch surfing the channels while expecting this tiny pill to call the fairy fat patrol to come and zap away their thunder thighs and badonkadonk ass.  My point is people don’t want to work for anything any more.  Those that do believe in hard work to advance are often looked down on because they are not apart of the trend of entitlement.   So I was surprised to see some of my fellow nurses fall into this category of blind faith while stuffing their face with McDonalds hoping that they won’t have to change anything about their lifestyle.   I know that for some those types of pills may give you a boost, but remember that boost goes only so far.  It is up to the consumer to know what the trade off will be.  FYI if you are a diabetic or suffer from a cardiac issue I HIGHLY CAUSION you about any pills without consulting your physician…..THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.  For those of you who want to lose weight to be strong….my advice is simple and won’t cost ya a thing….Get up and move!  Yes it is hard, but the pay off is great mentally, physically, and spiritually……now where is my donut!

bahahahahahaha

The Vibrator, More of a Cure than A Toy

98979f26c29d4e851d7723d0e9673bf7

So I came home from work after one hellish night of patient’s deciding that they would be like Jack Nicholson in the movie, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in which case I had the Haldol at the ready with an itchy trigger finger, my husband tells me, “I recorded something for you that I thought was interesting.” Okay, what he considers interesting is borderline disturbing. I was to tired to argue and while he took the kids to school, I jumped out of my work clothes and slip into something more comfortable. I grab something to eat and plopped myself down in my recliner and surf the channels for something to watch before I hit my pillow with vengeance. There I spy what my husband record, it was one of the Cinemax specials about sex. I roll my eyes, mumbling under my breath, ” It figures” and out of curiosity or fatigue not sure which, I push the play button. I was greeted by a naked women who’s’ boobs, that were mechanically enhanced, where bigger than her head, and she was going to educate me on sex toys. >Sigh< Great another informative session by Boobs with a tie- (I think they were going for a professional look.)

03054cdc11492d057242be066c5597c4

As she spouted off how the dildo was used back in ancient times like Egypt and Greece – ( Greece I knew were crazy freaks) I found myself interested and amused especially when she pulled out objects that were used to conquer the tenacious sex drive! While the bouncing Boobs droned on about sex through the ages, I did (hate to admit it) learn something about the Victorian age.  According to Boobs, husbands would often visit the madams suites in the ally’s for more” dark adventures” in sex, while keeping their wives pure, (apparently they only were there for procreation and missionary style because that is acceptable sex) which led the wives to suffer from a strange illness called hysteria. Um, for the record, if I did not have my “extra activities” I would go into hysteria to.  Boob’s then went on to disclaim that the physician’s back in that time came up with a powerful cure, in which they made house visits were they would “massage” the nether regions and miraculously cure the house wives illness!  I think I choked on my drink at that point. While I am not sure how creditable Boobs was, I found it hard to believe the Victorian physicians played the part of  a classic male prostitute in the guise of curing hysteria.

73d96580458a980738714e07f67c9de5

Where oh were did you get your MD doctor! So as the story goes, the physicians just had to many house calls to make and they were getting so tired and worn out ( I bet!) that they came up with the little tool called the vibrator. Now the first vibrator that one of these doctors used was built in the office and powered by coal. This was followed by a picture of these strong men shoveling coal into the furnace while the female upstairs was receiving treatment while voicing her encouragement is several high notes. ( Another way in which to use mother nature’s resource.) As time went on, improvements to the vibrator were made. In the 50’s area, the vibrator was sold incognito was a skin massager that left an after glow that lasted for days. (Funny, I bet their skin was flawless.) Even though the show lasted for about 20 mins, I was educated. While I see a lot of craziness on the floor, I am very glad that my job description does not included providing the cure to patients with hysteria, for that I will stick with Haldol and Ativan and have the doctor see ya in the morning.

All Tied Up

So I was invited to go to a wrap party.  My first impression was something a long the line of food, apparently I missed the memo of today’s modern weight loss and it was literally a wrap.  At first I was not going to go, nothing short of walking around revealing you sexy fatness to a bunch of ladies who either are fatter than you which is the hopeful, or they are in perfect shape which would be worse case scenario.  Feeling the pressure of being obligated to go, since it was hosted by my cousin, I gave in to peer pressure and mostly curiosity.   I did a quick research and found that they did work, but it was temporary and of course you had to keep up with them in order to achieve the desired look.  Now, I have tried many things, the worst being the cabbage soup, that my oh-so-wonderful-hubby decided that we (it was not a mutual agreement) would do.   That experience is all under Torture and appropriately named.  I found the product and analyzed the would be benefits for half your wallet claims and there it was, the thing I hate the most.  Pills.   Now for those of you who like the pills that is your choice.   As a nurse, I am highly critical of anything that is not regulated or had studies done to prove the claims.   While the website claimed great benefits and would be promises of the wraps, the pills that were apart of the package where there to block the fat absorption.  I roll my eyes, knowing full well that while I was being tied up, it was to prevent me from running away when the pitch of the magic bean started.   

eabf5529e5e7e39b90769394de705e81

At the party I walked in and so far so good, it was alright until I met the person who was doing the wrapping.  I was introduce to this 90lb worn down lady, her bones protruded every which way, and her skin looked like old white leather.  The years have not been kind.  Although she was quite nice, she scared me.  I thought that if some one even farted in her direction, it would blow her away and I would be stuck either providing CPR, (which she would not survive that) or at least mend broken bones in which there was no once of fat on her to cushion such a blow.   Her arms were so transparent that I could actually do anatomy and see where muscle and veins attached.  And this was the women to lecture me on weight loss and pills.  She introduced her self to me and then what followed almost made me choke on my bottle of water…she is a personal trainer.  (Um….really?  I held my breath…..great….hold the sarcasm at bay.)   So it went on, and I had my thighs wrapped which made going to the bathroom quite difficult since we were told to push water to rid our bodies of the toxins that the wraps are releasing…..(Again the award goes to me for holding my sarcasm in check)……although I had a few choice words when performing gymnastics in the bathroom to prevent peeing on myself when your legs are tied up in cellophane.   Oh back tracking a bit, when I was getting tied up she measured my thighs and as she is wrapping me, causally she tells me how it doesn’t bother her seeing women naked and that she used to work for a strip club…..a wha what?  Okay, I cast no judgments, I think strip clubs are highly entertaining, just thought it an odd moment to reveal such information with her head up close and personal to my business.   Not sure really what to say after that, so I mumble, “Oh that’s nice….”  Yeah I can’t wait to hear about the pill products that are coming up.  While the wrap did feel nice and cool  much like lathering up your legs in Vicks vaporub, I started to relax and laugh while the other girls wrapped up other parts of their body. 

8f03466ed08dbd070c900c80db99a0fb

When it was all said and the demonstration began.  We all gathered around the table and she had not one but two supplements that help with weight loss and that it was straight concentrated fruits and veggies.  My question was, what is wrong with eating fruits and veggies, the powder form was dark green and looked the least appetizing.  Well in one little scoop you can have all your daily servings.   The look on my face when I tasted to concoction must have been revealing.  Then the lecture of how doctors push medications for everything and how that it is better to go natural.  Ok, I hate this part, so I began to speak.  Yes we live in an age where there is a pill for everything, her pill is included in that.  While medicine has its draw backs, it has extended life.  For a person who doesn’t  look healthy and is more anorexic then fit, I will keep to what is working for me.  I like my fruits and veggies in a non powder form.  What really got me, is that one of the other girls had an insulin pump and nurse mode kicked in.  On one of the pills I noticed an ingredient and pointed out to my mother, who braved the wrap challenge with me and is also a nurse,  she gave me that look and red flags went up.  The main ingredient was contraindicated for diabetics.  Of course fitness Sally had no clue while she was pushing her products.    Lets just say, the girl got a big caution and placed the pills back down and stated she would talk to her doctor before trying anything……good girl!   I don’t think and pills were sold at that party.  As I waddled back to the bathroom for another feat of trying to pee, I was thankfully told I could unwrap my self and re measured.  I tore the wrap off, peed like a normal person with great relief.   I went to measure and lost an inch of my thighs.  I was happy, but doubtful and wondering how long it would last.  So while I was up in arms about the supplements, Fitness Sally did make money off me as I bought the wrap package…..hey I am a woman and personally, I liked the cool tingly feeling on my thighs  😛   

4e2c14d8a28a2c52ae12a507bb24f071

In the Eye’s of A Nurse

After a long two back to back twelve hour shifts at the hospital I often find myself looking forward to the long walk of locating my car that is purposefully parked in the furthest parking lot.  This is a time of reflection for me as I enjoy the breaking of the sun over the horizon, the cool air on my face and the sound of my shoes softly hitting the pavement.  It is a time of reflection and peace that is not interrupted with the constant sound of my spectra link (cell phone) that I am forced to carry during work.  Here I am alone with my thoughts asking my self the same question.  “What do I want.”  I simple question that is often met with a layered answer.   Of course there is lots I want but would I truly be happy?  For me as I walk to my car, unlike most people who are in a hurry to get home, I take noticed of the small things.  For example, I noticed colors, shapes, textures and hidden designs.  It is where I find simple beauty.  It becomes my appreciation for being healthy and a live.

Circle of Vines

As I inhale deeply the cold and crisp air morning air, I realize that this my awakening.  My artist is wrestling to put my nurse persona away so my creative side can come out and soak up details that I may use later when sketching.   It is a life line really.  Being a nurse you see a lot of ugliness, sadness, and hostile patients that believe in entitlement to the exclusion of everything else.  The world is ugly. Yet, when I feel the constraints of my job something always happens.  I will cross paths with the one patient that reaches out and touches me.  I will see bravery of those who ask for nothing but are so grateful for a humane touch.  I see beauty in the aging with lines etched in their faces that tell of laughter and happiness.  I see hope, strength, courage flash through my minds eye as I remembered those that have touched me.  So perhaps while I struggle to become an artist, my training is just beginning.  Learning to see human nature at its ugliest and at its most beautiful.  I am in a unique position to portray the human spirit through a nurse’s eyes.  While it is easy for me to see beauty in nature, I am learning to see beauty in humanity.  Perhaps this is my walk in life….

elderly

The Sand Dollar

Shell

Sometimes we find ourselves fighting against the tide of life.  The more we struggle the further off course we become.  Everyone has their own path to follow and with that hidden and perhaps foreseeable obstacles arise to shake us from this incredible journey that we have been gifted to experience.  For me, I have had my share of life’s sucker punches.  Believing that I am exempted from life’s irony and hand of fate would not only be my demise but I really wouldn’t be living in reality.  The thing is, bad things happen.  That is it.  Most of the time there is no explanation to the why’s and how’s… it just happened.  Looking at more of my own experiences I can only learn and reapply the new lessons and try for a different result.   It’s like life’s rear view window, you can look back and see where you have been, but the main attention is looking in front of you.   With all the ugliness that has happened lately, it’s hard to see what lies ahead.  For me, it’s simple…keep it simple.   When I work at night on the floor at the hospital, I see some serious situations.  While things may go crazy, and on the floors they do, often there is a single moment where I am stopped and force to be alive due to whatever force is pulling me at that moment.  Sound weird?   Maybe.  It usually comes when I am being pulled in several directions, it is when I sense in my patient that need to be touch by the human spirit, call it kindness or just validation of their pain, I find I stop in the middle of the whirlwind of chaos and see the person that is restrained by sickness.  A single touch followed by three words, “I am here.”  is sometimes all that needs to be said.  I will never forget a patient of mine fighting against cancer and all I did was just simply sit on her bed and say those three little words, I knew I was where I was supposed to be because everything felt right.  I fit into this world somewhere.  She hugged me while she cried, and I just offered what I could.   In her battle against the tide of life she wasn’t alone.  Just like a sand dollar, white and beautiful in design but fragile by nature, we can find strength in numbers if we allow ourselves the opportunity.

%d bloggers like this: