Just a Doodle

Sometimes when things become crazy and you want time to slow down, that is when I pull out my small sketch pad and just start sketching mindlessly.  I never know or plan how these types of sketches turn out, but they are always unique in their design. IMG_20131210_142533The best part, is when my daughter pulls out her sketch pad and sits by me and we come up with ideas together.  I want to make her creative time a place where she can use as an outlet to express herself.

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Rule # 1

People are stupid.

Yes, there it is.  People are stupid.   In a great book called, Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, it details the length at which people go through to avoid a glaring truth because it might bring their reality of things come crashing down.   For example, I was standing outside  among other parents waiting for the on coming rush of kids to flood through the doors of the school to what they deem potential freedom.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but over hear a conversation by a few moms about obamacare.  News flash, I am not a support of Obama or this fiasco called the Affordable Care Act.  For the most part I tolerate people’s views because I understand the fundamental freedom of speech.  I would rather have someone speak on things that I may or may not disagree with because that is the value of freedom.  I can choose not to listen. 

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Back to the point, regardless of your view, the conversation went on about how healthcare is saved by Obama.  Blah blah blah, I have heard it all before and acknowledged that sentiment with a roll of the eyes and turned my attention to my phone that was far more interesting then the conversation of these women.  Then I heard it, and I couldn’t help but look up in disbelief.  One of the women clearly stated, “Yeah, now that Obama care is happening the money that they are taking from doctors and nurses will go to the people who need it.”  Wha What!?! First when did nurses get pulled into the same pay of Doctors!?!  I obviously didn’t get that memo and neither did my paycheck.  Second,   allow me to educate you since you obviously have been coddled to the point that your ass needs the extra insurance that I am suppose to give up.  You ninnies, do you UNDERSTAND what a nurse does?  While you sit on your ass and watch the latest rendition of the Kardashains wishing you might be hot enough that someone would sell a sex tape of you, I am cleaning up vomit, I have my hand on someone’s chest as I brake their bones doing compressions while blood is spewing out at me in attempts to save a life.  I am holding an unfortunate soul’s hand and watching them give up the fight and draw their last breath and having to turn to the family and tell them I am sorry.  I have the pleasure of cleaning shit of my shoes because the patient couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time because they have CDIFF.  Don’t know that  is? Then by all means come and shake my hand after I wipe their ass and pray to the gods that you don’t get it.  After all I am just an overpaid nurse that just sits at the nurses station waiting to be ordered around by the generously compensated physicians. 

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It was all I could do not to comment, because I have learned that you can’t argue and win with stupid people.  They just beat you with their experience.  The next comment was a just as ignorant and almost broke my concerted effort of keeping my mouth shut.  “…the money that they will save should go to the teachers because they deserve it.”  What the fuck!  Seriously?  No offense to teachers, you do a great job, but I bet you if you have to stick your hand up someone’s ass you would be screaming for higher pay and better insurance.  Well welcome to my fucking world!  Not only do I have to shove tubes of all sizes into orifices of a patient’s body, but  I do it with a smile and no tip.   Just then the bell cut through the air and the doors busted open with the laughter and screaming kids.  As parents found their child and started to head out, I watched as three women waddled their way to their oversize SUV’s, knowing with a smile that karma is a bitch.  You want health care for all at the expense of nursing, well my friend I will see you soon in my area, and I am sorry I couldn’t wash my hands from cleaning up the shit next door, you see the money is going to teachers now and there for we had to make some cuts with necessities such as paper towels and toilet paper.  I bet they have two ply for the teacher’s asses cause they deserve it,  so don’t complain at what your going to get.  NOTHING is FREE.  One to the next battle….the parking lot and crazy parent drivers.

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It Matters

Its been a long time since I sat down and faced the keyboard.  While I had many ideas to exploit, it comes down to does it matter?  I am not sure, all I know is that the need to acknowledge the inner side that has been buried underneath by the demands of life.  It is like I am  screaming from the inside begging to be fed something, something that I feel I cannot provide.  While I am an active reader of many and wonderful blogs, I cannot help but be somewhat envious of them.  While their writings are exceptional, I have come to realize that the bloggers are doing something that they love.  While I am trapped fighting to develop what I know is inside of me against the negative naysayers that quite often tell me that I am wasting my time.  I just know that it is something that quiets my mind, it provides a peace from the disappointments, expectations, and pending obligations and provides me a space of freedom of where I can be me.  I prefer sketching to writing because I enjoy the creation of something that I imagined.  While exploring what can be, I find that I become relaxed and by doing that I become rejuvenated and able to function in my many roles.   The need for me to find such a time to release my frustrations or just to recenter has grown because of the new responsibility of being accepted into Nurse Practitioner school.  On one side I never thought this is were my road would take me.  The amount of pressure to succeed is daunting at best.  While I struggle to keep from hyperventilating at times, I know this has to work because of who depends on me to do this.  The amount of pressure I feel is hard to bare at times.  I have also been accepted into the highest Honor Society for Nursing.  I went to my induction and waited in line to receive my accepting certificate.  I looked into the audience and realized how big this actually was and part of me was in denial that I was in line to receive the honor.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but realize that I was proud, I worked hard, I am a good nurse and have the potential to rise higher.  Yet, the creative side felt betrayed.  As they called my name, I walked on to the stage, but with each step I felt the creative artist die a little. Have I chosen my path in life?  Have I given up of becoming an artist? The funny thing is even as I ask that question now, the inside of my head screams a resounding NO! So how do I find balance?  The answer was staring me in the face.  As I was reading through my horrendously boring assignment in epidemiology I found my self doodling.  I stopped and found a spark of hope that maybe just maybe I might combine the two.  While reading I discovered that my learning went higher when I drew the connections out.  I gave myself permission to explore concepts through art.  Yeah its not the art that I love to create, but it is still art.  So while I walk down this new path that honestly scares the hell out of me, I find comfort in keeping my little sketch pad close by. 

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

 

To Wing or Not To Wing…

So, once again I am doing a crazy schedule with the night shift and have one day off in the middle of the crazy run, which happens to be enough time to get a paper done for my class.  While feeling the pressure of the impending deadline, my thoughtful husband tells me that he is taking the kids out to run some chores in which case I would have a nice quiet house to contemplate my  assignment.  He asks if I need anything, and on a whim I ask if he could please pick up some feminine products and if he doesn’t want to I will do it later.  After a conversation of him stating he was comfortable in his manhood of picking up the items (I am not sure who he was trying to convince), I was soon left alone with my thoughts. 

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Some time had passed in which I had wondered where my family went to, and then I heard the garage door beginning to open.  As I was finishing up the paper, my husband walks in with a look that I have rarely seen, it was a look of disgust and exasperation rolled into one.  I didn’t have to wait long to find out what happened.  As he tossed my much needed items at me while saying never again, he began the tale of Wal-Mart.  “First, let me tell you that they screwed up the aisles of the damn pads so I couldn’t do my  maneuver of roll and sweep by.”  It is a move that he uses when he doesn’t want to linger long and sweeps the items into the cart, a move that was solely devised for instances such as this.  I waited patiently as he inhales as if the mortal sin as been committed in which case I was the transgressor.  “So that meant I had to stop in front of the blasted aisle that was shortened and I couldn’t find what you usually use.”  he said.  I thought to myself, wow you were really looking?  “THEN…” As he closes his eyes as if to shake off the memory that apparently was not one of cherishment. 

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“I was flanked by two fat woman, in which case my escape route had been compromised.”  “Your escape route?” I asked.  I didn’t know that the feminine aisle required such battle tactic, but then again I am secure in my womanhood.  “These women, decided to tell me about which pads I am suppose to get for you!  They started to say unholy things as leakage, moisture, itchiness, dryness…things that a man should NEVER know!”  At this point I am doing my best to keep a straight face as I can see the whole thing play out in my minds eye.  “So what did you do?”  I asked, not really trusting my self to say much more incase I busted out laughing in such a serious moment.  “What could I do?  I couldn’t move!  They started taking the pads I had in my hands away and replacing with what THEY use!”   As he pause to take a breath, “Then our six year old daughter started to ask ME what causes itchiness and what is leaking that mom needs a bandage!”  Okay at this point I am shaking with laughter and couldn’t hold it in.  “So, Let me get this straight, you were barricade by two fat women that wanted to save you from buying the wrong product, all the while giving you an education on what we really want, thus causing our daughter to take an active role in listening to her father getting schooled in the tampon/pad aisle.” My husband gave me one of looks that he want to say so much but was showing some restraint as our little girls were near by.  Seeing an advantage here, I pressed the issue for my entertainment, “And did these ladies, give you wings?”  Yup that did it…He started to say something, but the words tripped out!  I am now laughing and feeing some sense of guilt I try to help him recover some manhood left.  “The worst part was that there was a guy in the other aisle watching all of this laughing!” He said.  “I was mortified, I was trapped.”  He then holds out his prize.  “If these aren’t the ones you want, I am sorry.  I am not going back there!”  I laughed and said, “Thank you, and not many men would take a beating like that.”  With that I gave him a hug and kiss.  As he started to walk away, I looked at the products and stated, “Hey, they don’t have wings!”  I was greeted with a killer look and a stuffed animal that flew out of no where and hit me in the head. 

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A Walk with Kitt

 

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Recently I read a blog that talked about friendship, Girlfriends Love Giveaways,  and got to thinking about my oldest and dearest friend.  Kitt Crescendo.  

It is always interesting on the timing of things and meeting Kitt was no different.  During that time, I was an  awkward looking kid that was trying to find herself in a world of nasty cliques and peer pressure.  I often was bullied to the point that walking to school gave me such anxiety that I often prayed that I would go unnoticed and to me that was a good day.  The morning I met Kitt, I was sitting in a small room with my yonger brother who was annoying Kitt, who sat at another table.  In fear I told him to stop bugging her because I could ill afford another bully and not to mention Kitt was a few grades a head of me and I was just a kid.  I tried to thrawt my brother’s annoying antics and realizing that he wasn’t going to listen, I quickly said a soft apology to Kitt and prayed for someone to make me invisible.  I remember Kitt looking at me and smiled telling me not to worry about it and gave my brother one of those don’t-test-me-or-I-am-going- to-knock-you-flat look.  I remember the air self confidence that was present and wanted so much to have something like that!  What came next was that Kitt didn’t go off on her own, she actually started to talk with me and walked with me to school.  Now, to most of you that read this your like big deal, but the point is no one talked to me let alone someone in a higher grade. 

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That walk turned to many walks and soon I started to open up and let someone close in.  It was the beginning of a lasting friendship that has been a lifeline through so many pittfalls.  Through her I discovered talents, she was one of the first people I let in to see my sketches.  She stood up for me when the bullies came around.  She made grade school tolerable.  As the years went on, highschool, and college our friendship grew and matured.  I had friends come for a season and had great times and experiances, but Kitt has been the one friend that has truly made herself a permenant fixture in my life.  Through my losses she has been my net where her words bounce me back, through my wins she is cheering me on, when I doing something stupid (depending on what it is) she is right there.  She is the girl that would hold your hair while your paying homage to the proceilin god laughing at you!  I wouldn’t have it any other way!  She is the sister I have chosen and one of the best descisions I made. My daughters know her as auntie Kitt.    I only hope that my girls will find someone like that to share their life adventures.  Kitt,  I want to say a special thank you for being you.  For those of you who do know her, know you have found a rare gem in this world. 

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My Torture

Okay, so summer is creeping around the corner and for us ladies that means one thing……swimsuits!  Yes the dreaded S word in which directs our attention to the areas that we have successfully hid during the winter months or just flat out told everyone that the extra weight is just a winter coat!  As I eye the closet with all the hopefuls….yes pieces of clothing that I hope to fit in during the summer, I know that hopefully will soon turn into hopefully not if I don’t get myself in check now.

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Now don’t get me wrong I have jumped on the treadmill several times, done the zumba thing and my husband even signed me up for boot camp (without me knowing it which ended with him out on the couch!)  But still those few extra pounds have made a home in which case must be evicted prior to the summer coming.  So my husband ( who is the cook, and I can’t cook to save my life) has made the decision that we (him and I….I don’t remember voting on this…) are going to do a cabbage diet.   My reaction….”A what!?!”  I made him clarify…..the answer wasn’t good…  Apparently for the next week I can eat ALL the cabbage soup I want….YAY!!  But that is all I eat….NOOO!!!!!

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So I last night I had my first taste of what the week will be like…..Its going to be a LONG week!  While flushing my system with water and cabbage, I not only do I feel light…most in the head… my personality is slowing turning to the dark side, especially when I see real food being enjoyed by others.  So for motivation I have pull out my bikini and hung it on the door for encouragement, which is not helping.  While I am being served cabbage all you can eat soup I am suffering in silence.  I am telling myself for its only for a week….and I will be 10lbs lighter to jump start into the summer.  So while I eat this bowl of torture, I can’t help but spy a log of sausage sitting on the counter, while talking to Kitt I am having delusions of grandeur of how that sausage would taste…….but alas my competitive side is keeping me from splurging in hiding.   So here’s to losing the weight insanity style!!!

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Here is my goal!

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In the Eye’s of A Nurse

After a long two back to back twelve hour shifts at the hospital I often find myself looking forward to the long walk of locating my car that is purposefully parked in the furthest parking lot.  This is a time of reflection for me as I enjoy the breaking of the sun over the horizon, the cool air on my face and the sound of my shoes softly hitting the pavement.  It is a time of reflection and peace that is not interrupted with the constant sound of my spectra link (cell phone) that I am forced to carry during work.  Here I am alone with my thoughts asking my self the same question.  “What do I want.”  I simple question that is often met with a layered answer.   Of course there is lots I want but would I truly be happy?  For me as I walk to my car, unlike most people who are in a hurry to get home, I take noticed of the small things.  For example, I noticed colors, shapes, textures and hidden designs.  It is where I find simple beauty.  It becomes my appreciation for being healthy and a live.

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As I inhale deeply the cold and crisp air morning air, I realize that this my awakening.  My artist is wrestling to put my nurse persona away so my creative side can come out and soak up details that I may use later when sketching.   It is a life line really.  Being a nurse you see a lot of ugliness, sadness, and hostile patients that believe in entitlement to the exclusion of everything else.  The world is ugly. Yet, when I feel the constraints of my job something always happens.  I will cross paths with the one patient that reaches out and touches me.  I will see bravery of those who ask for nothing but are so grateful for a humane touch.  I see beauty in the aging with lines etched in their faces that tell of laughter and happiness.  I see hope, strength, courage flash through my minds eye as I remembered those that have touched me.  So perhaps while I struggle to become an artist, my training is just beginning.  Learning to see human nature at its ugliest and at its most beautiful.  I am in a unique position to portray the human spirit through a nurse’s eyes.  While it is easy for me to see beauty in nature, I am learning to see beauty in humanity.  Perhaps this is my walk in life….

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