Earth Fairy

So I ventured into something that I always wanted to play around with. Watercolors. I have always been intimidated by them, yet at the same time I have become bored with just the simple pencil. While I am self-taught, I understand that in order to become good at something you have to just do it. Of course with this being my first piece with watercolors I have learned a lot going through this process. So while facing my fears on the canvas I am gaining insight on how this works. I do know this, while creating I find true happiness and peace. It takes me to a place where there is possibilities without judgment.

EarthFairy

Rule # 1

People are stupid.

Yes, there it is.  People are stupid.   In a great book called, Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, it details the length at which people go through to avoid a glaring truth because it might bring their reality of things come crashing down.   For example, I was standing outside  among other parents waiting for the on coming rush of kids to flood through the doors of the school to what they deem potential freedom.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but over hear a conversation by a few moms about obamacare.  News flash, I am not a support of Obama or this fiasco called the Affordable Care Act.  For the most part I tolerate people’s views because I understand the fundamental freedom of speech.  I would rather have someone speak on things that I may or may not disagree with because that is the value of freedom.  I can choose not to listen. 

5508f28fe940629f3264f1ff3518689b

Back to the point, regardless of your view, the conversation went on about how healthcare is saved by Obama.  Blah blah blah, I have heard it all before and acknowledged that sentiment with a roll of the eyes and turned my attention to my phone that was far more interesting then the conversation of these women.  Then I heard it, and I couldn’t help but look up in disbelief.  One of the women clearly stated, “Yeah, now that Obama care is happening the money that they are taking from doctors and nurses will go to the people who need it.”  Wha What!?! First when did nurses get pulled into the same pay of Doctors!?!  I obviously didn’t get that memo and neither did my paycheck.  Second,   allow me to educate you since you obviously have been coddled to the point that your ass needs the extra insurance that I am suppose to give up.  You ninnies, do you UNDERSTAND what a nurse does?  While you sit on your ass and watch the latest rendition of the Kardashains wishing you might be hot enough that someone would sell a sex tape of you, I am cleaning up vomit, I have my hand on someone’s chest as I brake their bones doing compressions while blood is spewing out at me in attempts to save a life.  I am holding an unfortunate soul’s hand and watching them give up the fight and draw their last breath and having to turn to the family and tell them I am sorry.  I have the pleasure of cleaning shit of my shoes because the patient couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time because they have CDIFF.  Don’t know that  is? Then by all means come and shake my hand after I wipe their ass and pray to the gods that you don’t get it.  After all I am just an overpaid nurse that just sits at the nurses station waiting to be ordered around by the generously compensated physicians. 

60b61e6f48e91d774e5fbfbd9c0ba171

It was all I could do not to comment, because I have learned that you can’t argue and win with stupid people.  They just beat you with their experience.  The next comment was a just as ignorant and almost broke my concerted effort of keeping my mouth shut.  “…the money that they will save should go to the teachers because they deserve it.”  What the fuck!  Seriously?  No offense to teachers, you do a great job, but I bet you if you have to stick your hand up someone’s ass you would be screaming for higher pay and better insurance.  Well welcome to my fucking world!  Not only do I have to shove tubes of all sizes into orifices of a patient’s body, but  I do it with a smile and no tip.   Just then the bell cut through the air and the doors busted open with the laughter and screaming kids.  As parents found their child and started to head out, I watched as three women waddled their way to their oversize SUV’s, knowing with a smile that karma is a bitch.  You want health care for all at the expense of nursing, well my friend I will see you soon in my area, and I am sorry I couldn’t wash my hands from cleaning up the shit next door, you see the money is going to teachers now and there for we had to make some cuts with necessities such as paper towels and toilet paper.  I bet they have two ply for the teacher’s asses cause they deserve it,  so don’t complain at what your going to get.  NOTHING is FREE.  One to the next battle….the parking lot and crazy parent drivers.

0f849f10aa06ebd3f76450d3e00e4d06

It Matters

Its been a long time since I sat down and faced the keyboard.  While I had many ideas to exploit, it comes down to does it matter?  I am not sure, all I know is that the need to acknowledge the inner side that has been buried underneath by the demands of life.  It is like I am  screaming from the inside begging to be fed something, something that I feel I cannot provide.  While I am an active reader of many and wonderful blogs, I cannot help but be somewhat envious of them.  While their writings are exceptional, I have come to realize that the bloggers are doing something that they love.  While I am trapped fighting to develop what I know is inside of me against the negative naysayers that quite often tell me that I am wasting my time.  I just know that it is something that quiets my mind, it provides a peace from the disappointments, expectations, and pending obligations and provides me a space of freedom of where I can be me.  I prefer sketching to writing because I enjoy the creation of something that I imagined.  While exploring what can be, I find that I become relaxed and by doing that I become rejuvenated and able to function in my many roles.   The need for me to find such a time to release my frustrations or just to recenter has grown because of the new responsibility of being accepted into Nurse Practitioner school.  On one side I never thought this is were my road would take me.  The amount of pressure to succeed is daunting at best.  While I struggle to keep from hyperventilating at times, I know this has to work because of who depends on me to do this.  The amount of pressure I feel is hard to bare at times.  I have also been accepted into the highest Honor Society for Nursing.  I went to my induction and waited in line to receive my accepting certificate.  I looked into the audience and realized how big this actually was and part of me was in denial that I was in line to receive the honor.  As I stood there I couldn’t help but realize that I was proud, I worked hard, I am a good nurse and have the potential to rise higher.  Yet, the creative side felt betrayed.  As they called my name, I walked on to the stage, but with each step I felt the creative artist die a little. Have I chosen my path in life?  Have I given up of becoming an artist? The funny thing is even as I ask that question now, the inside of my head screams a resounding NO! So how do I find balance?  The answer was staring me in the face.  As I was reading through my horrendously boring assignment in epidemiology I found my self doodling.  I stopped and found a spark of hope that maybe just maybe I might combine the two.  While reading I discovered that my learning went higher when I drew the connections out.  I gave myself permission to explore concepts through art.  Yeah its not the art that I love to create, but it is still art.  So while I walk down this new path that honestly scares the hell out of me, I find comfort in keeping my little sketch pad close by. 

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

 

The Vibrator, More of a Cure than A Toy

98979f26c29d4e851d7723d0e9673bf7

So I came home from work after one hellish night of patient’s deciding that they would be like Jack Nicholson in the movie, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in which case I had the Haldol at the ready with an itchy trigger finger, my husband tells me, “I recorded something for you that I thought was interesting.” Okay, what he considers interesting is borderline disturbing. I was to tired to argue and while he took the kids to school, I jumped out of my work clothes and slip into something more comfortable. I grab something to eat and plopped myself down in my recliner and surf the channels for something to watch before I hit my pillow with vengeance. There I spy what my husband record, it was one of the Cinemax specials about sex. I roll my eyes, mumbling under my breath, ” It figures” and out of curiosity or fatigue not sure which, I push the play button. I was greeted by a naked women who’s’ boobs, that were mechanically enhanced, where bigger than her head, and she was going to educate me on sex toys. >Sigh< Great another informative session by Boobs with a tie- (I think they were going for a professional look.)

03054cdc11492d057242be066c5597c4

As she spouted off how the dildo was used back in ancient times like Egypt and Greece – ( Greece I knew were crazy freaks) I found myself interested and amused especially when she pulled out objects that were used to conquer the tenacious sex drive! While the bouncing Boobs droned on about sex through the ages, I did (hate to admit it) learn something about the Victorian age.  According to Boobs, husbands would often visit the madams suites in the ally’s for more” dark adventures” in sex, while keeping their wives pure, (apparently they only were there for procreation and missionary style because that is acceptable sex) which led the wives to suffer from a strange illness called hysteria. Um, for the record, if I did not have my “extra activities” I would go into hysteria to.  Boob’s then went on to disclaim that the physician’s back in that time came up with a powerful cure, in which they made house visits were they would “massage” the nether regions and miraculously cure the house wives illness!  I think I choked on my drink at that point. While I am not sure how creditable Boobs was, I found it hard to believe the Victorian physicians played the part of  a classic male prostitute in the guise of curing hysteria.

73d96580458a980738714e07f67c9de5

Where oh were did you get your MD doctor! So as the story goes, the physicians just had to many house calls to make and they were getting so tired and worn out ( I bet!) that they came up with the little tool called the vibrator. Now the first vibrator that one of these doctors used was built in the office and powered by coal. This was followed by a picture of these strong men shoveling coal into the furnace while the female upstairs was receiving treatment while voicing her encouragement is several high notes. ( Another way in which to use mother nature’s resource.) As time went on, improvements to the vibrator were made. In the 50’s area, the vibrator was sold incognito was a skin massager that left an after glow that lasted for days. (Funny, I bet their skin was flawless.) Even though the show lasted for about 20 mins, I was educated. While I see a lot of craziness on the floor, I am very glad that my job description does not included providing the cure to patients with hysteria, for that I will stick with Haldol and Ativan and have the doctor see ya in the morning.

A Little Magic

Have you ever been lost in something such as writing, painting, or other hobbies that you forget about time itself.  In my moments late at night, I was simply enjoying the music pumping through my iPod while engaging the blank piece of paper.  I was free of real life worries or pending issues, it was just  my pencils and I.  The exploration of what can happen always excites me when layout the ground work for an imagine.  Finding a reference for poses is always quite the challenge due to the short list of people who would pose for me so I am left from studying forms from pictures.  It is how I study art.  I appreciate the dances of lines, the subtle touch of shading to bring out the form.  To me its like magic.  Learning to see angles from the positive and negative spaces takes time but allows me to see the simplicity of shapes that come together to form a more complex image.   To me its the dance of lines.  To be the one composing such a dance brings a satisfaction and self worth that I cannot describe.  Its like seeing something about yourself that is pure in away, that sparks something inside your soul that brings about a happiness and peace that can only be found when you accept something that is true about yourself.   When I draw its like a spiritual encounter, the inner voice quiets down and you begin to see in a perspective without judgement.  It is a world that most are uninvited until the finished product is revealed.  But what most don’t know is that it is a true labor of love, the experience of creating is where the magic happens.  The self voyage of discovery.   I stayed up until 2 am working on this one.  It is not finished by any means but I feel the need to post.  After all this little space (blog) is my digital sketch book.  

2013-01-23_16-23-09_288

 

 

 

MIL’s

Tis the season to be jolly, for the most part that is true, but those are the people who don’t have their crazy mother in law staying over.  I often wondered about the term “Mother In Law” and quickly realized while the tag line “in law” is necessary for ownership of creating havoc that is often over looked by the respectable word of mother.  By law she is a part of your life for the good, bad and the ugly.  For me it’s been the crazy, crazy bad and possible commitment to the insane asylum if I am around her too much.  You see, I don’t have your average honey bake Betty Crocker MIL….we are leaving the F of that acronym because that category does not apply and quite frankly it may cause a little throw up in my mouth.  You see my mother in law is crazy.  CRAZY.  Yes all caps, that’s right.  For the last several years I gave the her a chance, reached out to her like most daughter in laws do, hell I even brought her tea with crumpets on occasion….with two lumps of sugar…..well she thought it was sugar free but really it wasn’t.  Now in my case, not only did I have her but she had HER mother living with them and that was just bad news.  Even when I was introduced to the family first time around, I knew there was way more to this sweet appearing granny.  My guard was instantly up and I couldn’t tell you why.  You know how Snow white was unsure about taking the apple from the old bitty?  Yeah, um….I really can’t judge Snow White because I took the apple and bit into it to, although she was lucky she went to sleep and didn’t have to deal with the old woman and was awaken by true love’s kiss….okay back to reality, yeah I got true loves kiss and with a double portion of in law hell.  It was him that needed saving, so role verse; it was me that had to slay the dragon with two heads.  So strapping on my Mord Sith red leathers, it was go time for these ladies.  So… yeah sorry, had a moment of a day dream of Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom  where the top of the ark came off and they fell to the floor….okay so I am disturbed…but it’s really not entirely my fault!  Back to the point of all this, so I have the scrooge here and she is driving me crazy.  Trying to find that Christmas spirit is hard when the spirit is afraid to come into my house.  My reprieve….a bottle or two of wine….(white)…..word press, lifeline to Kitt…she knows the story and still remains by my side…..she would be my partner in crime in red leather too….Come to think of it Kitt we would rock that Leather ensemble like nobody’s business!  So case in point, I am actually looking forward to going to work and dealing with patients that eventually I will sedate…. but at least it will be mother in law free…. So I guess in the meantime I will be drunk, avoid apples, vent on Word press and look for  red leather outfits on line.  HO HO HO

%d bloggers like this: